Monthly Archives: December 1999

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Well, I'm never on Cloud 9 for very long. Or if I am, I'm quickly shot to Cloud 666.

Amy broke up with me today, again. She told me before 2nd period that she needed to talk to me at lunch. So at lunch, I came up to her and said that if you're going to break up with me, just tell me. She said I won't break up with you. She then told me that I need some time to myself … not to see other peo­ple … (then she took my hand) … I still want to be with you … So I said OK, and walked off … very hurt. I went back to her and said that if you were going to do this, you shouldnt have taken me back in the first place … Mike found me. I guess that she told him she would break up with me way in advance. I was the last to know …

Mike and I con­fronted her. And I blew up. I mean, totally lost it. I just plainly bitched her out. Even though I love her, I couldn't stand her at that time. I told her that she shouldn't have lied to me. Because ear­lier, I asked her if every­thing was okay, and she looked me in the eyes and said it was. And when she said I need time to myself, she was lying then, too. Because she knew damn well that she didn't want to be with me …

After school, I con­fronted her again. All she could say was I know that what I did was wrong … Then I lost it again, and I told her that I couldn't believe I fell in love and got fucked over again. We argued some more, and then I left. I slammed the door and took off …

I'm a lit­tle calmer now … I'm still very upset, but I don't think that I'll blow up any more. I wrote a quite nasty let­ter to her, and I might give it to her tomor­row. I don't know.

But once again, I'm going to start doing things my way. I don't know if I've said it in this jour­nal yet, but I still have feel­ings for Stephanie. And I talked to my best friend Erik. I told him to call Stephanie and give her my num­ber. If she does, I'm in there. Not only will I get back at Amy, I'll be with Stephanie for the, is it 6th time? Some­thing like that. But we'll find out…

More later…

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I must be the luck­i­est guy in the world. I am the luck­i­est guy in the world …

I had just fin­ished Jazz Choir this morn­ing, and started to leave the music wing to go to 1st period. Amy appeared. She said that she needed to talk to me. We walked silently until we were alone. I said noth­ing. We stopped. And then she said that she did a lot of think­ing last night and that she believed me. She said I don't even need to talk to those other girls, because I know who I'm going to believe. And it's you. I was blown away. I just couldnt believe it. I asked her where she wanted to go from here. She said It's up to you. I told her that she knew how I felt, and that it was up to her. She told me No, its up to you. I told her I wanted her, if she would have me. She said, Of course I will. I dont think I've ever been as happy as I was this morn­ing. We embraced, and I almost cried. I said thank you for believ­ing me and I promise I'll never hurt you again. We embraced some more and then went to class. I had a smile on my face all day.

She told me later that day that Jon, a friend of ours had told her that he was glad we had bro­ken up. She asked him to give her three rea­sons why. He said 1) Chris is a jerk for doing that to you, 2) there are lots of guys that want to be with you, and 3) I'm one of them. She said, well, I'm not really interested.

So, after school, I asked her why she still wanted to be with me. I said that there were lots who wanted to be with her, and she still chose me. Why? She said because I still like you, and I believe you.

I know that I will never take her for granted again, and I will never, ever hurt her again. I think I may have found some­body that will be with me for a long, long time. I am the luck­i­est per­son on the face of this earth…

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It feels as if I'm alone in the world now. My sup­posed best friend Erik doesnt care. It hap­pens to the best of us. But I deserve every­thing I'm get­ting. The ones that rely on me in their hour of need are nowhere to be found. I don't know what to do. I hate myself so much right now. I can't take this much longer. And theres only one per­son that truly cares and will always care: Mike. He said we will always be friends. But I know that, just as the events ear­lier with us, it won't be the same after this. I'm try­ing to accept that I've lost Amy for good. But that doesnt make things any eas­ier, no mat­ter how hard I try. I promised Mike that I would never hurt her. I promised her. And now, no one trusts me. Even Shauna hates me. But they're right to feel the way they do. How could I have hurt some­body I care about as much as I do Amy? Wait. Screw that. Who am I kid­ding? I Love Amy. I didnt want to say that, but it's been said. I've never cared for any­body as much as I do Amy. That includes Cathy, Lind­sey, every­one. Like I told her, maybe that's why it hurts so much …

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Well, I have really fucked up now. When I last wrote, I thought that Amy knew about the events of the party Mon­day night. But she didn't… until yes­ter­day morn­ing. She had heard about the party, but she didn't hear about what I did yes­ter­day. So we broke up. I hon­estly dont think that I've ever hurt this much in my entire life. I can't func­tion. It's like part of me is miss­ing, and indeed it is. My heart — she has it. She said that she can't trust me. And that obvi­ously, I didn't want this to work out … What can I say? I just lost it. She found out that it was a game late yes­ter­day. She told me that that makes things a lot bet­ter. And that she just needed a cou­ple of days to fig­ure things out because she can't last very long with­out me.

I thought every­thing would be okay. Today, things just seemed to get worse. She says that she is very con­fused, and she doesn't know who to believe. Many dif­fer­ent peo­ple have told her many dif­fer­ent sto­ries about what hap­pened that night, most of them peo­ple I dont even know. And she said that she wants to believe me, but doesn't… I am falling apart. I told her to take as much time as she needs to fig­ure things out. She's going to talk to Nicole, Tara, and Rachael tomor­row at lunch. I feel so bad about what hap­pened. I never would have done any­thing had I thought this was going to hap­pen. But I've done and said all I can. All I can do now is pray that we get back together …