Oh, where to start …

Well, the thing on Fri­day with Rachael came back to bite me … big. Cathy and her sis­ter Nancy appar­ently went to Mrs. Lueck and told her about it. They also told her that I could have bro­ken into the music office and stolen the list, which was com­pletely untrue. After jazz choir, Mama Lu con­fronted me about it. She told me that if she couldn't trust me that I wouldn't be in Singers. I agreed. And I told her that I would never break in to her office, and that I had resolved things with Rachael. She said okay and I left …

Then I went to Rachael and told her that I was quit­ting Singers. She told me that I would only be let­ting Cathy and Nancy win. I agreed and left …

I went to Mama Lu 4th hour and told her that I was quit­ting Singers and jazz choir for many rea­sons, not the least of which was this inci­dent and the fact that I didn't feel like a valu­able asset to the music depart­ment — that I didn't belong (I've felt like this for a while). She was upset at the fact that Nancy and Cathy could have such a vendetta against me, because they are her 'lit­tle Singers', and they would never do any­thing wrong (right!). But any­way, that's still up in the air. But as of right now, I will not be in any Rocky choirs next year …

Let's change gears, shall we …

Thurs­day night: Even though I wasn't per­form­ing, I was direct­ing tech for the con­certs. This was very exhaust­ing to say the least. Not only did I have to worry about light­ing and sound in the audi­to­rium, I also had to do lights in the mini-theater. It went pretty well, though. The only prob­lem that I had that night was that Amy kept look­ing at me when I was in the audi­to­rium. She was seated so that she could look back and see me in the booth. I just looked away. She told my friend Kevin that she thinks I hate her. I don't know what it is, I just can't face her …

She came into the audi­to­rium after every­body was gone at the end of the con­cert. Since there was nobody there but me, my only assump­tion was that she wanted to talk to me. I bolted out. I think I'm scared of what I might say when I talk to her. There are some things that I feel I need to say that I know are going to hurt her. And I don't want to do that. Yet another thing unresolved …

Fri­day: The day before (Thurs­day) I had been flirt­ing with [name omit­ted]. I had met her through [name omit­ted]. We talked about doing stuff on Fri­day. So I ditched 4th hour and went with her to the audi­to­rium. We went to the booth. We started talk­ing about what we wanted to do and nei­ther of us could come up with any­thing. Then we began kiss­ing. As I started to feel her up, she asked me why I was so scared. I sat down and we talked for a while about our var­i­ous failed rela­tion­ships. She then asked me if I felt more com­fort­able and I said yes. Then we moved to the soft chair in the cor­ner and began kiss­ing again. I got her tits out of her shirt and bra and sucked on them for a while. She started moan­ing. I asked her if she wanted to blow me and she said she didn't know. We kept on going where we were. She told me that she couldn't have sex with me and I agreed …

Even­tu­ally, we both stood up and she asked me to do some­thing to her. I obliged by remov­ing her jeans and under­wear. Then I began to fin­ger her. I kept up my pace for a lit­tle while as she was moan­ing. Sud­denly, she asked me to stop for a sec­ond. I did. And then she started cry­ing. I took her out of the booth and she ran to the bathroom …

When she came out, we started talk­ing. I knew what it was, though. She's not over her ex-boyfriend, [name omit­ted] — who just broke up with her. She said that she was sorry for freak­ing out. It turns out that as we were going, she started to think about him and couldn't han­dle it. She also said that she was scared about get­ting caught and that she didn't want to be labeled a slut. I promised her that I wouldn't tell any­body about it. We both know that we have feel­ings for each other (or at least I think we do), but she has to get over that moron first …

Also, to end this entry on a pos­i­tive note — it appears that Rachael is no longer talk­ing to me.

So, all in all, one hell of a great week …