Some days it really doesn't pay to get out of bed. This is, at least for me, very rarely the case. Today happened to be one of those, though …
Things with her finally overflowed. I'm in a lot of trouble now. She wants nothing to do with me, which I completely understand. In hindsight, I realize even more how reprehensible my actions for the past 5 months were. I've accepted my part of what's happened. I'm not upset anymore. I haven't been for some time. There isn't really anything that I can do about it besides accept and move on. At least that's what Mrs. Parker told me. She says it's a learning experience. I told her that I feel like a negative force within the department and that I don't deserve to be there. She says that's my decision, but she wants me to stay. Even though she tried to explain it to me, I still don't understand why … Whatever consequences I face I will accept. My only wish is that she forgives me some day. I wish it didn't end this way, though …
The severity of this situation has really opened my eyes. I didn't realize that so many of these things that have happened in my personal life affected my school, my job and my relationships with others. I guess that in the back of my mind, I knew I would have to face these things at some point. I just really wish it hadn't happened today. But I think I deserve it …
I don't really know what's going on with Sharon. I see her hitting on a few guys and it really doesn't bother me. It shouldn't anyway because we're not exclusively going out. I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out earlier today when I was all weird. After tomorrow, I'll only see her in jazz choir every other day. I just don't know. Guess I'll just go with the flow on this one …
[name omitted] asked me to call her yesterday, but when I got home, I was incredibly tired so I just went to bed. I tried to call her tonight but no one picked up. Things are up in the air with her too. I'll talk to her tomorrow in jazz, I guess.
What a great day. [insert sarcasm here] It started wonderful, too. My car hit a deer about 5 minutes after I left the house. As if my car isn't destroyed enough, I no longer have a driver's side mirror. Yeah!
After everything happened this morning, I was literally falling apart. No one there. I finally went to Dan. Everything seems to be fine with us again. (I hope at least.) I'm glad that he's there for me. If he weren't, I probably would have lost it.
I know that, eventually, things will work themselves out. It's just so hard to deal with right now. Gotta try to relax …
Too many things, too many things…
– Amber, Boogie Nights