So I've been talk­ing with [name omit­ted] on the phone for the past few nights. We've been talk­ing about the pos­si­bil­ity of a rela­tion­ship between us … a con­ver­sa­tion we've had too often before.

I told her that I wanted to see her. So, after some more talk­ing, she came over. I had been think­ing about tak­ing advan­tage of my unique sit­u­a­tion before, but I didn't think I had the gall to do it.

Any­way, when she came over, we sat together on the couch and watched the movie Jail­bait on MTV. We just sat there for a while, and after the movie was over, we started to do stuff. With her, there was never any talk­ing or stuff like that, but it has always scared me.

Even­tu­ally, we moved to the bed­room. Things moved pretty fast, but we didn't have sex. I don't know whether I would've done it or not, because I did my best not to think about it.

After we were done, we talked some more — exchang­ing hor­ri­ble moments in our lives. I think it goes with­out say­ing, but this wasn't exactly the best sub­ject for a roman­tic mood. We started talk­ing about us again. We basi­cally came to the con­clu­sion that we were both too busy for a rela­tion­ship. This was, as I saw it, easy excuses for a sit­u­a­tion that nei­ther of us really wanted, but couldn't admit to each other.

She left at about 4am. I was pretty tired, but for some rea­son, I couldn't go to sleep. So I had some Hot Pock­ets and watched TV. By about 6, I was ready to col­lapse — con­tent and con­fused at the same time (which, if you've been fol­low­ing along for the past year, seems to hap­pen to me on a fairly reg­u­lar basis.)

Some­times I just don't know …