If you're read­ing this, then that means that you have found your way to this site and notice its new design. I'm not exactly sure why I did this, being as I was so proud of the last design, but in truth, as good as it was, it wasn't mine. In finally rec­og­niz­ing this, my first res­o­lu­tion for New Year's 2002 is to have more of *my own* ideas. There­fore, new year, new look.…

Res­o­lu­tion #2: Be less of a hyp­ocrite this has always been a prob­lem for me, and I've noticed it more since I've been with Megan; she's also reminded me of it many times, which is a good thing.

Res­o­lu­tion #3: Be less demand­ing yet another thing that Megan has helped me to real­ize; every­thing is either my way or the high­way, and if I'm going to embark on a new quest in which the feelings/emotions of another are involved, then I have to mod­ify my behav­ior to acco­mo­date all concerned.

Res­o­lu­tion #4: Be a per­son of my word far too often lately, I've said I would do so many things and just… haven't.

Res­o­lu­tion #5: Learn to for­give No descrip­tion needed; I know what it means.

Wow, it's already 2002. When you don't really think about it, time really *does* fly. Hmph. Well, see you next year. In the meantime.…

What are your resolutions?

It all seems so far away; but it's close. It's so close that I'm scared to even look at it. But I have to. Because I can't do any­thing to stop it.

Can I pos­si­bly forego my com­fort­able self­ish­ness enough to incor­po­rate a rad­i­cal change? At first, I think "absolutely not". But then I stop and think about it some more. And I still don't know.

And then I remem­ber to relax. And I remem­ber that every­thing that is meant to hap­pen does, some­how, and not usu­ally in the way I expect.

When I look, I ques­tion. When I look harder, I am sure.

Only time will tell.…

Was I a fool to think
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool to think
That you would take me home, as if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all

Fool to Think, Dave Matthews Band

[Note 09/03: This was for­merly a pri­vate entry. It feels okay to make it pub­lic now.]

…came to me from the past a past that I thought had been long since for­got­ten. And what was it that I was feel­ing? It was only there for a few sec­onds, an occurence that hap­pens every day with a mil­lion peo­ple. Yet this one occurence stood out.

And what of it? Was there some strange mys­ti­cal sig­nif­i­cance to this one occa­sion? Per­haps, well no. Not pos­si­ble. In a par­al­lel world, maybe.

All the anger, the pain, the scars came back. In those few sec­onds, months of hurt­ful words and painful thoughts rushed through my mind. And then I left, and all was right with the world again.

The heart can for­give; The mind can never forget.

I couldn't have said it bet­ter myself.

[Link removed. No longer operational.]

What is it that makes a per­son need another per­son? Why do I feel so empty when I'm alone…

I spent the major­ity of the evening last night work­ing on the other site and, although I was get­ting a lot done, for the first time, I felt noth­ing. This machine (or one of its con­tem­po­raries) has always been avail­able for me when­ever I need it, some­thing *no* per­son can do. I would spend hours and feel fufilled.

But I felt noth­ing. It's just a box, and it does some­thing no per­son can do because it is *not* a person.

Why do I feel this way… Why do I hate myself so much…

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????

Greet­ings, all!

Wel­come *back* to chrislanphear.com.

I had just got­ten done with re-formatting my poor hp com­puter and decided to do my daily check to see if the web­site was back up.

Lo and Behold, there on the screen, was my pride and joy (well, one of them).

So, need­less to say, the insan­ity will con­tinue, *finally*, here at chrislanphear.com.

Ole!