Accord­ing to Mr. Clark, "No School today. Spring Inter­mis­sion com­pletely devoid of any reli­gious sig­nif­i­cance. So nobody's offended."

But any­way … still grounded. So far, I've man­aged to get in a fight with my mom every day this week (which is a new record, by the way). I need to get out of this ground­ing so that I don't develop Cabin Fever and start spout­ing off ran­dom obscen­i­ties with­out any end in sight … or have I passed that point yet?

Megan spent the night with Nat and Amy last night. Jake asked Amy to Prom yes­ter­day … that's funny. Any­who, appar­ently, one of the things that came up among the three was whether or not Megan was happy with the rela­tion­ship. In a later e-mail, she posed this ques­tion to me. After some dis­cus­sion, we both con­cluded that we were. Another issue that came up was what Megan and I started talk­ing about on Mon­day. She said that she'd been think­ing about it since then, and still didn't have a direct answer for me. After much (and I mean much) dis­cus­sion, I was able to elicit from her that she wasn't com­fort­able with it …

Then I started to feel bad. I told her that I'd been doing my best to go slow with her, but I guess I failed. I say this because that's how I feel. It's not her fault. It's mine …

God! The only rea­son that I ever brought this up is because I'd rather talk things out than con­tinue to make her feel uncom­fort­able. And I ended up feel­ing worse. So I told her that whether I just guess on my own or openly dis­cuss things, I end up screw­ing myself over and feel­ing hor­ri­ble. So I just won't do or say any­thing anymore …

I can accept the fact if she doesn't want to do any­thing. I mean, it's cer­tainly not some­thing that I need to func­tion in a rela­tion­ship. Some things are just nice to have, and I guess that I'm accus­tomed to some of these things, and I'll have to read­just to not hav­ing them …

Then she asked me, "So, what's the chal­lenge? Are you try­ing to see how far you can get me to go in a cer­tain amount of time?" This has to be the most insult­ing thing that she's ever said to me. By her say­ing that, it shows (to me, at least) that she thinks the same about me as every­one else does. As much as I tried to down­play this, it really hurt me …

Then our con­ver­sa­tion became an unend­ing silence. After some time, we said we would talk later. At which point we hung up …

Much like I told her, I guess that this rela­tion­ship was the last thing that I had to screw up. Well, I've done that now. Hmm … I won­der what else can go wrong …

[update]
Nope. I'm still a total idiot.

[update 2]
Well, it's get­ting close to 2am the next morn­ing … Can't sleep … I can't believe how stu­pid I am some­times. What's funny is that I told Megan that she shouldn't have made such a big deal out of this. So once again, I don't know how to take my own advice. She says I didn't do any­thing wrong. But then again, she also thinks as bad about me as every­one else does. How hor­ri­ble … my own girl­firend … Gotta sleep … okay.

[update 3]
It's a lit­tle bit past 3am now … I need to sleep. I can't get this out of my mind. Am I really what every­one says I am? I must be if my own girl­friend thinks so …