Tonight, Megan and I ran the rental/show for SAVA (Sex­ual Assault Vic­tims Advo­cates). It was a play that dealt with sex­ual assu­alt, rape, and stuff like that. The show was very mov­ing. So much, in fact, that it helped me to face a few things myself.

I told Megan that I felt use­less. For once, I was doing absolutely noth­ing for the rental (I didn't con­sider my spot­light task much of any­thing). I felt hor­ri­ble. As the show pro­gressed, I sat on the spot­light side of the booth and cried. I felt as I had been a com­plete fail­ure … not know­ing if I'm going to grad­u­ate, not know­ing what I'm going to do with my life … I thought of killing myself sev­eral times through­out the course of the night. When I told Megan that I felt use­less, she shrugged her shoul­ders, as if look­ing for some­thing to say. It wasn't very encour­ag­ing, and I started to feel very bad.

After the show, we went out­side … and I let a lot of things pour out … about how she was the only good thing in my life, about how I was scared to leave high school … every­thing. We also talked about her fear of me due to the impres­sions of oth­ers about me. All of it. We were both cry­ing and upset.

It was cold. It was so cold. On the side­walk. But nei­ther of us could move. Too hurt, too con­fused to move.

But I had finally let out a lot of things that I didn't think I had the guts to do. Being open about myself in a rela­tion­ship was becom­ing increas­ingly dif­fi­cult. But this just came … and by the end we were both glad that we had talked about it. We made some plans for how we would change some things, and we ended up leav­ing happy … at about 10:30, much to the cha­grin of our respec­tive parents.

Thank you for sav­ing me …