[ Author's Note: Recently, I found the fol­low­ing entries in a book in my room. These were writ­ten between May 5, 2000 and June 5, 2000, and deal with Jamie and how I was feel­ing at the time about that sit­u­a­tion. See­ing as this was so long ago, I will attempt to make no explaina­tions about these writ­ings. Suf­fice to say that most of these entries bor­der on schiz­o­phre­nia, and I thought very dif­fer­ently then when com­pared to how I think now. Please do not take this as an expres­sion of present feel­ings. What fol­lows is here for his­tor­i­cal pur­poses only, and bears no impor­tance on the present time. The entries that fol­low have not been changed since they were orig­i­nally written. ]

Wednes­day, May 3rd (9:40am)

It's been really hard … just see­ing her and wish­ing things were dif­fer­ent. But talk­ing with her last night helped me a lot. And although we didn't come to any direct con­clu­sions about what to do, we decided how to approach things in the mean time. Every­thing is up to her. She said that wasn't fair. But she knew that that was the only way it could be. I wish there was some­thing more I could do, but I'm not the one who is con­flicted about how I feel. In fact, I told her, "I'm wait­ing on you." But I don't want to be kept on a string while she chases some­one else; in the case that didn't work out, she would have me wait­ing for her when she came back. I only sug­gested this because she kept try­ing to press the "see other peo­ple" idea on me — which sug­gested that she already had some­one else in mind, if she hadn't "sam­pled" it already. She said that this wasn't even pos­si­ble, which alle­vi­ated a lot of my fears. Until last night, I really had doubts as to whether or not she really cared about what was hap­pen­ing. That was alle­vi­ated too. Just like me, she hasn't slept very much, and had been cry­ing all the time. In fact, when we talked last night at school, when she got to her car, she cried uncon­trol­lably until her friend Emily came for her. It didn't help her that I was being extror­di­nar­ily mean to her yes­ter­day, until she was run­ning out of the build­ing with a pissed/hurt/sad look on her face. She saw me and tried to keep walk­ing, but I wouldn't let her. And we actu­ally talked, for the first time since Sun­day night. If we wouldn't have done that, we would have both gone nuts. It both­ered us that we hadn't seen or talked to each other. So it helped very much. And she once again became the Jamie that I love. She just jumps in and out of that mode, by shut­ting off her emo­tions, which both­ers me. But it's some­thing that helps her to deal with things, so I'm not going to blame her for that. Things are bet­ter now. We both know how to proceed.

(12:13pm)

She came up to our group near the end of lunch. I didn't expect her to do that, so I was a lit­tle sur­prised. I think that I still feel just a lit­tle bit awk­ward — we didn't have much to talk about. But it wasn't any­where as near of a prob­lem as it was yes­ter­day. I don't think this will be a prob­lem, though. It will just take some get­ting used to. And she said that it would prob­a­bly take her a cou­ple weeks for her to fig­ure things out. I just empha­sized that she should take her time so that she knows. I just have to wait …

Thurs­day, May 4th (12:56pm)

I sup­pose things are going okay. I took the morn­ing off for "me time". And I haven't seen Jamie today; well, briefly at lunch, but I was deal­ing with some­thing else at the time. And I saw her run­ning back and forth dur­ing rehearsal yes­ter­day — but I tried not to think about it because the play is more impor­tant. And now, I'm in dan­ger of los­ing that, too. But any­way, I know this is going to be hard for me. And I'm going to try as hard as I can to con­trol it. But I'm prepar­ing for the worst. Unfor­tu­nately, I'm sure that's how it's going to hap­pen. But in the mean time, I'm stuck here …

Fri­day, May 5th (9:27am)

I'm really tired. I tried not to think about too much last night or this morn­ing. I saw her before 1st hour. And I have to say that the longer this takes, the harder it is — and the more it both­ers me. Prob­a­bly because I know what she's going to decide. I think she knows it too — she's just keep­ing me on a string. That's not fair …

(1:02pm)

I miss my Jamie. This just keeps get­ting worse for me. Every time I see her or talk to her, I want to touch her or kiss her. I keep remem­ber­ing some of the great times we had — like our night in her base­ment. (I miss get­ting hand­jobs!) But any­way, I also remem­ber Boost­ers, the night at the park, and the night at my house. Although these mem­o­ries are great ones, the make me sad. Maybe I'm being extremely neg­a­tive and pes­simistic, but I know this won't turn out any­where near where I want it to. It's weird because this hurts me as if we've been dat­ing for 2 years or some­thing, but the dif­fer­ence is that I'm in love with her — and I don't think I've ever been as open with any­one as I am with Jamie. And even if I have to, it will be extremely dif­fi­cult to let go.

Sun­day, May 7th (12:28am)

Jamie was really mad at me yes­ter­day (Fri­day). She thought that I was mad at her again. She went to work and came back near the end of rehearsal. I asked her to stay after a few min­utes. We ended up sit­ting out­side of Rocky and talk­ing until about 10:20. We talked a lot about things. And I told her that I was never mad at her. I also expressed my fear about set­ting myself up for a huge dis­ap­point­ment. But I also said that I made the deci­sion to wait for her because that's what I want. Unfor­tu­nately, our con­ver­sa­tion was cut short. So I called her when I got home at about 11. We talked for another cou­ple hours. And I feel gen­er­ally bet­ter about the sit­u­a­tion. I totally hate it, but I'm a lit­tle bit more com­fort­able with it now. And to prove it, I think that I acted fine today (Sat­ur­day). I even went to Jamie's piano recital before I had to work. So for once, between me and Jamie, the day was good. I still have the bad gut feel­ing, but I'm think­ing about it less now. The only con­cern I have now is that I think her friend Mark wants her. She has assured me that she is absolutely not inter­ested. But I'm still kind of wor­ried. I can't do any­thing about it, and that bugs me. B flat is the sad­dest key there is. Jamie was dri­ving home last night before I called her, and she appar­ently heard "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" on the radio. She asked me if that was a sign. I said it was. She asked if it was good or bad. I said that it was up to her. I hope it's a good sign, though.…

(10:35pm)

I hate this. I'm try­ing to stay as opti­mistic as I can and I'm doing my best not to think about it. But I think about her and Mark and I want to throw up. We are so per­fect for each other… I just hope that she real­izes it… soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Actu­ally, I'm sur­prised that I've made it this far. But as long as this takes, I have to keep my com­po­sure and make sure that I don't make her hate me. I just have to relax. But it's so hard. I miss my Jamie …

Mon­day, May 8th (1:13pm)

I haven't seen her much today. So it hasn't gone too bad. I don't think I have any­thing to worry about with Mark. I think I'm just para­noid. That's a plus! I really hope she makes her deci­sion soon. Good or bad, I hope it doesn't take much longer …

Tues­day, May 9th (9:28am)

Talked to her till about 11:30 last night. I told her how I felt about Mark. She wouldn't accept it. But I said that it was just a mat­ter of time before he made his move. Also, she's been talk­ing to Amy — com­par­ing their "Chris sto­ries". It sucks, only because I've said to Amy some of the things that I've said to Jamie… and she asked me about it last night. I said that I meant the things I said to Amy at the time… but I didn't mean them now (i.e. I couldn't stand to see her w/ another guy — sound famil­iar, Jamie?) When in truth, I just didn't want to see her w/ Mike. Jamie was con­cerned if the same thing would hap­pen w/ us, and I said no. She asked if I still loved her. This really kind of hurt me. But she said that my say­ing "I love you" now seemed just "like words being thrown around." I said that no mat­ter how things seem, I have always meant it, I mean it now, and I will mean it 6 months from now, which is not the case with Amy. Jamie thinks I still like Amy. I told her flatly no! But I really don't like this. But I can't do much about it except defend myself. I thought Amy hated me! But oh well. Things seemed a lit­tle opti­mistic last night, though. We were talk­ing about how good of a kisser she is, and I described some "spiral-tongue" tech­nique, and she said to beware because she may try it with me, but then she recanted and said some­thing like, "well, who knows what'll hap­pen…" She says that she's con­fused about who she is, and that "if she doesn't know who she is, how can I?" I do agree with this, but I still miss her and I still love her. She asked me if anything's changed for me since last Sun­day and all I said was that I increas­ingly hate this each day it goes on. She said she knew. I told her that I can't stand wait­ing and com­pared it to a lit­tle kid wait­ing for Christ­mas. I absolutely hate it. But I think things will get better …

Wednes­day, May 17th (12:09pm)

So things haven't got­ten bet­ter. Today is sup­posed to be the day when she ren­ders her deci­sion. She isn't in the best mood. I don't antic­i­pate get­ting a deci­sion today… I know what her answer's gonna be any­way. I'm really try­ing to shut out my emo­tions on this because I know it will hurt a lot more if I don't. I'm prepar­ing for the worst. It's funny — even though I'm doing this, it'll still blow me away. I am so sick of this. I just need to not think about it and focus on some­thing else — any­thing else …

Mon­day, May 22nd (10:53am)

Well, got the final answer. Guess what? I was 100% right. Although I wish I wasn't. She still wants to date. Right. I'm not going to tor­ture myself like that. Oh, God. What do I do now …

June 5, 2000 (10:05am)

This will be my last entry here with regard to this issue. Since we broke up, it's taken me a while to sort out my feel­ings. I've been angry, bit­ter, sad, relieved — and every­thing in between. I fell in love with Jamie faster and harder than I ever had with any­one else. That really says some­thing about her as a per­son. I heard once that no one else can make you happy. You have to be happy first, and then you can share your hap­pi­ness with some­one else. And that's exactly what hap­pened. I was already happy. She just made every­thing so much bet­ter. But every time that I break up with some­one, I increas­ingly real­ize that I don't need to be w/ any­one to be happy. I still love Jamie. I will always love her. Every­one that I have loved thus far I will always love in some form. With Jamie, [Oh gosh! Just saw her] I don't pos­si­bly know what will hap­pen in the future. Nei­ther does she, as she says. I do know that if she wanted me, I would come run­ning. I will prob­a­bly feel like that for a long time. But for right now, I need to be able to love her as a friend … and unfor­tu­nately, as noth­ing else. But who knows what'll hap­pen? I cer­tainly don't …