I did have to face it today, and I still don't know what to make of it…
It was so hard, and will be, for quite a long time, I guess. I just dunno right now. We talked, and fought, about a lot of thingsmany of which we've talked/fought about before, and although we may not like them, are happening anyway…
This is the step where we deal with them… but I don't know how…
I know that I should be mad at her, but I'm not. Even if I wanted to be, I can't. But I should be mad at *something*, shouldn't I? Oh well…
It appears as if many people want my scalp… funny how that works out, eh? But I can't let that concern me at all. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter anyway…
I was so upsetit's the whole displaced anger thing… I took cheap shots at things I *knew* weren't true just to make her hurt as much as I am. (I'm so sorry for doing that…) What I didn't realize is that she is hurting, as much if not more than I amthe situation is just so helpless…
I conquered the anger, at least for the time being. I can't let it get the best of me; or I will end up losing *everything* with her, and I can't allow that to happen; it almost did, and I'm not going to make that mistake again…
We talked about being friends, which, initially, was something I said I just couldn't do.
Then… something… changed… I started to see things a bit more clearlyand I said, "well, maybe we can". She told me that she can't promise that we'll get back together even if we remain friends. I know this, but a person can have hope, can't he? Hope, in many forms, has been what's kept me sane (or as close to as possible) for some time nowthere's no reason that I can't keep using it now…
"It's a reason to get up in the morning… it's a reason to smile."
Sara Goldfarb, Requiem For A Dream
Hope has always been, and always will be, my reason.
But I also see the reality aka "the other side of it"and I'm fully aware of it, so don't anyone try to use that against me. *wink*
The last thing I "said" to her was "I Love You…" and at the same time, we were also having a discussion on an internet chat board using characters. I suppose this was done (well, I did it because) there were things I could do in the chat that I can't do in real life (at least not right now), like hug her. But after the conversation in AIM was over, I told her that I don't know if I can do this. The remainder of that conversation can be seen here (the red was others' conversations, it reads from bottom to top). I still don't know what to think of that, as is the current status for so many things…
It's so cold and lonely here now…
Here's to the hope that it won't be the last time. For what it's worth, I don't think it will be… you are too important.