[Note 09/03: This was for­merly a pri­vate entry. It feels okay to make it pub­lic now.]

For over three weeks, I've been sit­ting around, wait­ing to wake up from this night­mare. But I'm not going to… So the ques­tion that I've been ask­ing myself is "What am I gonna do now?"

Hmm… it's a good ques­tion, isn't it.

My first thought was to find a rebound. I fig­ured that if it worked for me before, then there's no rea­son that it wouldn't again. But after think­ing about it some more, I found that actu­ally, it *hadn't* worked for me. So that was out. It was an empty-hearted escape any­way. And it's not what I'm look­ing for­be­cause, as much as I *do* miss all the phys­i­cal stuff, that doesn't even com­pare to every­thing else that she gave me. I never went into this rela­tion­ship look­ing for that anyway…

We agreed that there were things I needed to work on. I'm doing them… and for some rea­son, that wasn't good enough for her.

We said we'd be friend­sand I tried. I really did… and I still want to. Some­times, it seemed as if it were actu­ally work­ing, and oth­ers, it was as if noth­ing had changed between uslike none of this had ever hap­pened. Just last week, she was lay­ing with me in my arms. And when asked about it, she said "well, I still miss you." Later dis­cus­sion on this same topic would reveal that she was lying about this as well.

Why is it so easy for her to lie to me? It was the *only* thing I ever asked her not to do to me…

"You need to find a love that's gonna last"
Prince, Lit­tle Red Corvette

I really thought I did. What hap­pened? Was this all my fault? Or was it doomed from the start? No, some­thing that felt so right for so long couldn't have been wrong. I can't even think about howI just know.

But none of that mat­ters now, of course.

I had a shrine in my room, to us… to what was. But what was is no longer what is… so that's gone now, too. She told me that every­thing I gave her is in a box in her room… Out of Sight, Out of MindI guess.

How is it that I'm so easy to for­get? Was/am I really that ter­ri­ble of a per­son? I never thought I was.… but I have been wrong about so many things lately… She refuses to even be my friend now… I fig­ure that if I'm so easy to for­get, she should be just as easy. But I ques­tion as to whether I can actu­ally do itbe­cause I don't think I can.

"Was I a fool to think / that you would take me home / as if I was yours?"
Dave Matthews, Fool to Think

I really thought we would be together for­ever… now what do I do…

A friend told me, "I do hope for both of your sakes that you two get past this. If you don't, you may lose each other forever."

I have the feel­ing that I already have lost her for­ever. Despite her flaws (and mine), she is the best thing that's ever hap­pened to me. And now, I can't even call her "friend". That hurts the most, I think.

I sup­pose that I need to find a new godess. But I have the feel­ing that no mat­ter who I find or what I do, I'm some­how gonna spend the rest of my life Chas­ing Megan…

This will be the day
That u will hear me say
That I will never run away

I am here for u
Love is meant for two
Now tell me what u're gonna do

If I gave u dia­monds and pearls
Would u be a happy boy or a girl
If I could I would give u the world
But all I can do is just offer u my love

Which one of us is right
If we always fight
Why can't we just let love decide (Let love decide)

Am I the weaker man
Because I under­stand
That love must be the mas­ter plan (Love is the mas­ter plan)

If I gave u dia­monds and pearls
Would u be a happy boy or a girl
If I could I would give u the world
But all I can do is just offer u my love

There will come a time (There will come a time)
When love will blow your mind (Blow your mind)
And every­thing U'll look 4 U'll find (Take a look inside)

That will be the time (That will be the time)
That every­thing will shine (For­ever)
So bright it makes u col­or­blind (U will be color blind)

If I gave u dia­monds and pearls
Would u be a happy boy or a girl
If I could I would give u the world
All I can do is just offer u my love

If I gave u dia­monds and pearls (Pearls)
Would u be a happy boy or a girl (Yeah yeah)
If I could I would give u the world (Give u the world)
All I can do is just offer u my love (All I can do)

If I gave u dia­monds and pearls (Dia­monds)
Would u be, would u, would u
(Would ya, would ya, would ya be happy lit­tle baby)
A happy boy or a girl
If I could I would give u the world
Prince, Dia­monds and Pearls