Yes­ter­day dur­ing lunch, I kept look­ing over my shoul­derin the hopes that she would be there. I must have done it 20 or 30 times. But she wasn't there. And she won't ever be again…

It hap­pened all so fast.

"This isn't gonna work out, is it?"
"Prob­a­bly not."
"Goodbye."

And later on…

"This isn't fair!"
"It's the only way it can be."
"No, it can't hap­pen."
"Maybe I'm wrong! I don't know yet!"
"I hope to God you are…"
"I have to find out for myself! …you can't bully me into chang­ing my mind!"
"That's not what I'm try­ing to do."
"Then why are you here?"
"Because I believe this is worth sav­ing, and it's not fair for you to just throw it away!"

"… there's no other way… I have to find out what else is out there… emo­tion­ally, men­tally… and per­haps physically."

"… I promise you this, and it will remain true whether you accept it or not, so you might as well accept it. I will always love you, and should you decide to ever come back to me, I will wel­come you with open arms, no ques­tions asked. I promise you that for­ever. This is the true test."
"Of what?"
"Of whether you are mine for­ever or were never mine to begin with."
"But I don't know right now…"

"… so hug, kiss, suck and fuck who­ever you want. I wish only the best life for you. But I hope that it some­day includes me."

After giv­ing her a few things of hers, I kissed her on the fore­head, and said "Goodbye".

Today, I sat herenot hav­ing the courage or energy to go to work and face it all. So I was here, and again, I sat and looked­wait­ing for a phone call, an e-mail, an IM, any­thing. Noth­ing. I so des­per­ately wanted to hear, "I'm sorry." But that didn't come. And it never will…

God, I miss her so much. I want so des­per­ately to smell her hair and hug her and kiss heror just be near her. I can't take this… it hurts too…fuck­ing…much…

I'm a good per­son; I don't deserve to be treated like this; I deserve to be able to keep her, because I earned her; I was good enough to keep her; and then some­thing changed. And now I'm no longer good enough for her.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

I gave her every pos­si­ble thing that a per­son could ever give: I let her into my home, my heart, my fam­ily, my bed, I gave her my affec­tion, devo­tion, under­stand­ing, patience, time, and infi­nite love. I don't deserve this…

Why can't I be enough???