[Note 09/03: This was for­merly a pri­vate entry. It feels okay to make it pub­lic now.]

"And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy bor­ders with frogs."
Exo­dus 8:2

She said, "You sound bitter…"

I'd like to think that I'm not, but sadly, this is not the case. There's only so much a per­son can take… and unfor­tu­nately, I think I passed that limit a while ago. As I've told Jake a few times recently, I'm just wait­ing for the light­ning to strike to com­plete the experience.…

"For me right now, each day is worse than the day that came before it. So every day that you see me, it's on the worst day of my life."
"What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?"
"Yeah…"
Office Space

It's so hard for me to get up in the morn­ing now… Each time I do, some­thing hap­pens dur­ing the day that makes me feel worse than I did the day before. It's been a month now. She's gone, and she's not com­ing back. She's a happy per­son nowwhich is appar­ently some­thing I couldn't give her. What's worse, even though I'm *very* proud of her, now she's mov­ing to a dif­fer­ent state. Talk about out of sight, out of mind.

And I keep telling myself, "I've got some­one else to con­cen­trate on now…"

But that only brings me solace some of the time, if any­be­cause as much as I'd like to think I'm not, I'm still hurt­ing… so very badly.

She's gone, my job is gone. So many things that I care about so much sud­denly dis­ap­peared with­out a trace­and didn't look back. But no, I shouldn't be bit­ter. Although I do hate the fact that she cares so much about what's hap­pen­ing with Jake, but none for the pain I am going through…

I'd like to say it's her fault­but I can't. It isn't. I caused it alland I know that now… I have no one to blame but myself. It's strange, because I'm so used to pass­ing the buck. I guess it finally caught up with me.

And as I told her, "When you've been kicked down so many times, it takes a while before you can get back up."

But when it rains, it pours. And I have to pick up what lit­tle there is left of my life and move on…

"It's scrip­ture. So it is writ­ten, so shall it be done."