This evening, I laid in my bed.… crying. And I didn't stop for quite some time. As horrible as that sounds, I think that it may have done me some good. A moment of self-actualization, if you will.
I'm bombarding myself w/ projects and jobs and things, and it's becoming too overwhelming. Working at Mister Music, Troma, OpenStage, attempting to write an incredibly personal and difficult feature film, start up a production company that's actually going to be something, reading scripts, etc. etc. Too much, too fast.
On top of that, doing things recently that I probably shouldn't have. Things are becoming way too out of control. Nietzsche said that you mus have chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. And I think that right now, I've got about enough chaos to start a colony. There's just too much.
I'm so lonely right now. There's no one around, and when they are, I'd rather they were somewhere else. Nothing against my roommates, but it's very hard to to talk to them about anything important when they can't even deal with their own lives. Not to mention that Dan only uses this house as a sex pit stop and cares little about what happens here, including the people living here. So I've reduced myself to avoiding boredom by banal tasks such as updating my CV, which remains a testament to how much is on my overloading plate.
I can usually always (what?) talk to Megan about things… but even that bit it tonite.
[18:48] Megan: I wasn't trying to be mean to you
[18:48] Megan: you know that
[18:49] Me: yes, i know, you never *try*
[18:49] Me: .… it comes naturally
[18:49] Megan: hence, it's never malicious
[18:49] Megan: Stuff just either a)comes out wrong Or b)is heard wrong
[18:50] Me: tis not an excuse
[18:50] Me: oh well
[18:51] Megan: indeed
[18:51] Me: *cries*
[18:51] Megan: ok, stop. that's enough
[18:52] Me: well ya know, being constantly degraded, either intended or not, starts to hurt after a while
[18:52] Megan: um, we've mocked each other since we met
[18:52] Megan: and you've always gotten over it
[18:52] Megan: same as all of us
[18:55] Me: ok, so it'd be out of consideration for me to ask you to stop?
[18:57] Me: don't get me wrong.… i'm not upset… i've just had a really bad week, and i was hoping that this conversation woudn't make it worse.
[19:03] Me: *is scared to talk* .….. *must stop talking before he makes things worse*
[19:04] Megan: *e-hugz* honestly, you are the most frustrating person on the planet
[19:04] Megan: 
[19:04] Me: *crying now (for real)* .….… thanks 
[19:04] Megan: I spend all this time trying to convince you to talk to me, and then you won't talk!
[19:04] Megan: gaH!
[19:06] Me: well, make me cry.….and then wonder why i find it hard to talk to you.
[19:07] Megan: *decides to ignore this*
[19:07] Megan: yeah, like you've never made me cry
[19:07] Megan: but I still talk to you
[19:07] Megan: *so much for ignoring*
[19:08] Me: ok, *breathes* i'm sorry.…. i don't mean to take things out on you.…. sorry that i am.…. i'll leave you alone now.…
[19:09] Megan: whatever makes you feel better
[19:10] Me: well, i don't wanna upset you any more than i already have.…. i'm so confused
[19:11] Megan: no, now I'm confused …I'm not upset, you are …
[19:12] Me: nothing for you to be confused about.…. just stupid-moron-dumbass chris doing what he does best again.
[19:13] Me: pay no attention to the stupid kid on the other side of the lan cable.
[19:13] Megan: *shakes head* you're weird, my friend
[19:13] Megan: but it's ok, I still like you
[19:14] Me: well i'm glad one of us still likes me.
[19:14] Megan: you're very strange
[19:14] Me: and it's not ok.… you don't deserve to have to deal w/ my stupidity.
[19:14] Me: you have better things to do, i'm sure.
[19:15] Megan: I've always delt with it and it's no more a problem now than it ever was
[19:15] Megan: not really, no
[19:15] Megan: other than write an essay that I don't have an opinion (or, hence, a thesis) on, or eat dinner, but i live my life between meals, so I can skip that for a while longer
[19:16] Me: well, you should probably eat.… it'd be a more worthwhile experience than talking to me.
[19:16] Megan: maybe, if i were hungry
[19:18] Me: i'm sorry for putting you thru this…
I called her some time afterwards and we talked for a while… and of course, she put me at ease. As she is incredibly adept at doing. She really has no idea how great she is…
Now, if only I can apply some of her advice, things might be okay.
I probably should have posted some of this in the private journal. I'm sure I will at some point…as this is only part of it.