Tag Archives: confusion

Painful thinking

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For the past three days, I've been con­fined to my bed — 24/7. It hasn't been extremely fun. On top of my com­ing down with the flu, I haven't been able to feel my arms. The lat­ter is com­pletely my fault, though. On Tues­day after­noon, I was lift­ing in the Rocky ath­letic cen­ter. The only prob­lem with this was that I was doing it with­out a spot­ter. When the bar became too heavy for me, I set it on my chest. I would find out later that this was not one of my best ideas. When I woke up on Wednes­day, I (no exag­ger­a­tion) could not feel my arms.

I've taken this lit­tle vaca­tion to think about some things. Most of my con­scious time has been spent on this. I've thought about Megan, Zhanna, and what I'm going to do about every­thing. As much time as I spend on this, I can't come up with a viable solu­tion. I sup­pose it's a catch-22. I like both of them, yet I want nei­ther of them. (I don't think that's the best way to describe it, but it'll have to do.) Life is best lived through expe­ri­ence. Megan thinks that she's in com­pe­ti­tion with Zhanna. I really don't think that's what it is. I don't think I could do that any­way. It's just not fair. I guess I'll just have to see what happens …

Everyone’s problems but mine (well, almost)

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Today was rather strange. I sup­pose that it was, for the most part, one like any other. That is, until rehearsal. Megan was being … well, mean would be the only way to describe it. While we usu­ally act like junior-highers around each other, there was some­thing dif­fer­ent about the way she was treat­ing me. For the first time (at least that I can remem­ber), she was actu­ally pro­ject­ing anger toward me. I really had no idea why.

So I went to Natalie, and then to Jake. Between the two of them, I found out that Megan had seen Zhanna and I in the car yes­ter­day. And she was pissed. Soon after rehearsal started, Megan left to run an errand, and I was left confused.

After rehearsal, Joel called. He asked me to come over to his house right away. With­out even ask­ing why, I did. I spent the next sev­eral hours try­ing to help him with his prob­lems with his girl­friend. Dur­ing this time, I con­stantly thought about Megan, and what I would do to fix this.

After things were some­what calmed with Joel, I called Megan. And although I didn't intend to come across as hos­tile, I think I did. We spent the next hour or so going back and forth. I told her that I wouldn't leave her alone until she told me while she was so angry with me. After much pes­ter­ing on my part, she finally admit­ted to me that she liked me. And for the first time, I admit­ted the same to her. It became slightly awk­ward at this point, but we con­tin­ued to talk …

That is, until Zhanna called. Because I was talk­ing to Megan on Joel's phone, she heard my entire con­ver­sa­tion with Zhanna on my phone. Abruptly, she said that she needed to go. I told her that I would talk to her soon. Zhanna needed a ride home. Joel was pretty much okay by this time, so I left to pick up Zhanna.

After drop­ping Zhanna off, I drove home. I was incred­i­bly tired, and even though I knew more about my cur­rent sit­u­a­tion, I was more con­fused than ever.

Nighttime Encounter

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So I've been talk­ing with [name omit­ted] on the phone for the past few nights. We've been talk­ing about the pos­si­bil­ity of a rela­tion­ship between us … a con­ver­sa­tion we've had too often before.

I told her that I wanted to see her. So, after some more talk­ing, she came over. I had been think­ing about tak­ing advan­tage of my unique sit­u­a­tion before, but I didn't think I had the gall to do it.

Any­way, when she came over, we sat together on the couch and watched the movie Jail­bait on MTV. We just sat there for a while, and after the movie was over, we started to do stuff. With her, there was never any talk­ing or stuff like that, but it has always scared me.

Even­tu­ally, we moved to the bed­room. Things moved pretty fast, but we didn't have sex. I don't know whether I would've done it or not, because I did my best not to think about it.

After we were done, we talked some more — exchang­ing hor­ri­ble moments in our lives. I think it goes with­out say­ing, but this wasn't exactly the best sub­ject for a roman­tic mood. We started talk­ing about us again. We basi­cally came to the con­clu­sion that we were both too busy for a rela­tion­ship. This was, as I saw it, easy excuses for a sit­u­a­tion that nei­ther of us really wanted, but couldn't admit to each other.

She left at about 4am. I was pretty tired, but for some rea­son, I couldn't go to sleep. So I had some Hot Pock­ets and watched TV. By about 6, I was ready to col­lapse — con­tent and con­fused at the same time (which, if you've been fol­low­ing along for the past year, seems to hap­pen to me on a fairly reg­u­lar basis.)

Some­times I just don't know …