Tag Archives: correspondence

Nice Words …

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A recent guest­book post:

[snip]
Read­ing your jour­nal is a lot like read­ing Catcher in the Rye. It's funny a lot of the time, sad some­times, happy some­times, dumb some­times, mean some­times, nice some­times, and almost always frus­trat­ing. way to be, Holden! welp, ill talk to ya later, probly some­time whenever(ah the vague­ness of my state­ments). way to update. i like a guy who fin­ishes what he starts.
[/snip]

Ah, what nice sen­ti­ments … I never thought of the site like that, but I think that's because I'm biased. Heh.

Any­ways, tak­ing another day off of work today … the guy at the shop said he didn't know what was wrong with the car … things just seem to keep get­ting better!

What the Hell?!

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Just a lit­tle bit ago, Megan con­tacted me online:

[20:14] megan: No, I'm not a liar. I had a pretty good time at Frau's house-good to get together with the ger­many group again. Miranda and I had an argue­ment about who's more of a bad girl. I won!
[20:14] Chris Lan­phear: You didn't tell her, did you?
[20:15] megan: of course. and Jake told Amanda, appar­ently.
[20:15] Chris Lan­phear: Wow… :(
[20:15] megan: what? I like to brag!
[20:15] megan: don't give me a sad face, I'll cry!
[20:15] megan: ;(
[20:16] Chris Lan­phear: A mean wink doesn't make any sense.
[20:16] megan: that wasn't sup­posed to be a mean wink, I typed it wrong. :(
[20:16] Chris Lan­phear: Ah.
[20:16] megan:
[20:16] Chris Lan­phear: Why are you cry­ing?
[20:16] megan: sad face …
[20:17] megan: do you really mind that I like to brag?
[20:17] Chris Lan­phear: I *kinda* mind that you feel the need to broad­cast it.
[20:17] megan: oh.
[20:18] megan: :( … I won't say any­thing else, I didn't know it both­ered you. I'm sorry.
[20:18] Chris Lan­phear: There's noth­ing else to say… and yes, you did know it both­ered me.
[20:18] Chris Lan­phear: But it's okay.
[20:18] megan: *slinks into a cor­ner*
[20:19] Chris Lan­phear: Don't do that.
[20:19] megan: *hides face*
[20:19] Chris Lan­phear: It's okay.
[20:20] megan: no, I guess I did know it bugged you and I did it any­way. *is mean and self­ish, any­way*
[20:20] Chris Lan­phear: It's okay… don't worry about it.
[20:20] megan: *wor­ries*
[20:21] Chris Lan­phear: Don't worry!
[20:21] megan: *wor­ries more, just to be irri­tat­ing*
[20:21] Chris Lan­phear: You're irri­tat­ing enough… you don't need to worry.
[20:21] Chris Lan­phear: ;)
[20:21] megan: Oh. Thanks. *insert sar­casm*
[20:22] megan: I'll just go now.
[20:22] Chris Lan­phear: No, don't go.
[20:22] megan: :p

So I got off the phone and called her… she told me about what she and Jake and Amanda went and did (appar­ently, went to the mall — what fun) and then she told me about the Ger­many party.

Then I asked her why she told Miranda.

Big mis­take.

She told me that peo­ple have always told her what they've done and she was happy to finally say some­thing back. This, I told her, I under­stood. But I didn't see why she felt the need to tram­ple the wishes of oth­ers, like me.

She imme­di­ately got upset at her­self and didn't talk to me. After a while, I told her that it was okay, and that I just wanted her to try and not do it again. She finally said okay.

Then we got to talk­ing about some other things, and I had an epiphany of sorts right in the mid­dle of the discussion …

From a con­ver­sa­tion of a cou­ple days ago, I was miffed at Megan because she wanted Jake to, um, "occupy" me on the 28th so she could spend the night with Amy and Natalie. I was upset because I didn't want her to feel the need to dis­tract me so she could do some­thing on her own. In fact, my feel­ing is quite the oppo­site. I want her to be able to go and do things with­out me around. It's good for both of us. Unfor­tu­nately, some­times I for­get that fact and act very self­ishly and make Megan feel bad for not being with me. I'm work­ing on that, but anyway …

A sur­prise I was sav­ing for Megan was the fact that I'm going to be house-sitting dur­ing the week­end of the 27th. Whilst on the phone, I put 2 and 2 together, real­iz­ing that we won't be able to take advan­tage of this because she's going to be with Amy and Nat all week­end!

Real­iz­ing this, I told Megan and she imme­di­ately got quiet. Then I got upset.

We ended the night very poorly, and I don't know what to do. This is the third time in a month where some­thing like this has hap­pened (ie: I plan some­thing for us, and an out­side force com­pletely fucks it up!).

This is nobody's fault, and most cer­tainly, not Megan's. But nev­er­the­less, it really really sucks.

I need to sleep all of this off. It's been a looooong week …

Round 24,045,136 …

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From: "Jen­nifer Van Ort"
To: chris@chrislanphear.com
Sub­ject: Yet another WOW: Good/Bad is up to you-I can only pro­vide hon­esty!
Date: Mon, 21 May 2001 00:14:40 –0600

Ouch!! (i.e. the Megan com­ment!) (But I saw this com­ing — I just didn't know when)

I never put you through any­thing, all I did was try to keep up with what you did or didn't want by being com­pletely open and hon­est about how I felt.

The new boyfriend is some­thing that has taken the place of the void you left by not want­ing to be with me. I first met him at after prom through a friend. He asked me for my num­ber and I gave it to him fig­ur­ing he would never call me (con­sid­er­ing he lives in Gree­ley) and not hav­ing a good excuse not to. He did call me on Sun­day and we hit it off but not roman­ti­cally or any­thing since I was still wait­ing on your deci­sion and would have given up any­thing to be with you. He came up to see me at rehearsal on Tues­day, I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about him because of every­thing still between you and I (which I told him about on Sun­day). He was okay with that and was will­ing to wait it out and leave all deci­sion mak­ing up to me. When I found out you offi­cially wanted noth­ing to hap­pen between me and you, I no longer had any rea­son to push him away. I called him on Wednes­day or Thurs­day to tell him what had hap­pened and we decided to start a rela­tion­ship, despite my sligthly rebound­ing position.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner but I had sev­eral rea­sons not to: #1 I didn't want it to affect your deci­sion about us because he meant noth­ing to me in the begin­ning and I wanted you, not him. #2 I didn't know how seri­ous he was and didn't know how you would react to my believ­ing some com­plete stranger had feel­ings for me. #3 I haven't had any chance to talk to you in per­son and e-mail was not my first choice to bring this up con­sid­er­ing I knew it would require the expla­na­tion I just gave you. #4 Above all I didn't know if this was safe ground for us to even tred on or if friends doesn't include dis­cussing rela­tion­ships for us — I was scared that I would lose you even as a friend if you knew I had to move on and had got­ten the opper­tu­nity to.

I hon­estly didn't mean any harm by it– it was quite the oppo­site con­sid­er­ing I was try­ing to pre­vent hurt­ing any­one. To be quite hon­est with you, I haven't told that many peo­ple about him and not too many have seen us together, thus I am curi­ous as to who told you or how you found out about
him.

PLEASE don't be angry with me because I made a point to keep him at a dis­tant until I knew whether my dream of being with you would come true or not. Also, I really have earned the right to finally get over you this time and a boyfriend that will care about me the same way I care about him may be
my only hope, and for once in my life I have that hope — don't make me feel bad for finally get­ting what I deserve.

If this has upset you to the point of not want­ing to be friends then I am VERY sorry because that was not my inten­tion at all and I've explained all that there is. And I still want to be friends more than any­thing. How­ever, I have been mean­ing to ask you about some­thing that shocked and appalled me
on Fri­day night. Jason Michaud was talk­ing to Amanda and I and over­heard my vent­ing about you but I refused to use your name. He dis­ap­peared for awhile and came back know­ing exactly who I was talk­ing about. That seems rather odd to me con­sid­er­ing I thought our feel­ings and what hap­pened between us
was per­sonal and pri­vate. How­ever, you were not around to tell him what I was talk­ing about but some­one must have — explain that one if you can! (I already have a few assump­tions of my own but would like to know the truth.)

Wow life was not meant to be easy between the two of us but I must admit– for some rea­son, you and your friend­ship (if noth­ing else) are well worth the strug­gle and effort!!

Still being totally hon­est with you,

Jenn

Yeah, what­ever. All I know is that I am done with this, and with her.

A Backlash of Sorts

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Tonight, I received the fol­low­ing e-mail from Jenn in response to an entry:

From: "Jen­nifer Van Ort"
To: chris@chrislanphear.com
Sub­ject: WOW
Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 23:57:54 –0600

No– the sub­ject mes­sage is not even a good wow. I just got through read­ing your jour­nals online and am shocked and amazed. Regard­less of the fact that I have thought about you con­tin­u­ously since you brought up Gor­ril­las a cou­ple weeks ago and I really was finally start­ing to trust you and buy all your stu­pid lines and feel­ings, how­ever, now the real­ity and truth comes out. The wow comes from how shocked I am that some­one could be so full of crap and hurt me so much. Yeah you get the prize for biggest ass­hole in my life at this point in time con­sid­er­ing your hypocrisy towards hat­ing peo­ple that use you and very obvi­ously turn­ing around and using me. Thanks for mak­ing me feel life the scum of the earth and steal­ing away all self-confidence I had as well as the con­fi­dence I had in the entire male pop­u­la­tion. Guess you really don't have it too bad since there is appar­ently no big dilemma going on in your per­sonal life right now. If there is it obvi­ously has noth­ing to do with me and it never really has, has it? I should have trusted my instinct in the begin­ning and stayed away from you!!!

Hurt and ashamed thanks to you,

Jenn

Hmm.… my intent was not to mock or make fun of her at all, but she can take it for what it's worth. I sent her an e-mail explain­ing this… I guess we'll see what happens.