Well, it's been a month.
Things got off to a hefty start, what with working dragon*con and all. I've given anyone who asked about the experience some version of the same response: "It was fun, but tiring." When I returned home from Atlanta, I very quickly came down with a case of the 'con crud, which wreaked havoc throughout my lungs for the better part of two weeks.
by Dragon*Con TechOps
Well, this entry marks one year of the writing of this journal. I hope it has been entertaining. *smirk*
I can't help but thank God that this year is behind me. While filled with several wonderful experiences, it had an equal if not more than its share of not-so-wonderful experiences. And unfortunately, it is the latter that will have a profound affect on me for a long time to come. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, visit the archives.)
I do have hope for the new year. That's one good thing that January 1st always offers: a feeling of renewal. Whether that feeling has any merit to it or not remains to be seen, but at least it's there.
My life throughout the past year is a barage of strange things that seem to just happen to me. (I'm sure that I'm not the first person to think this.) That's not to say that I don't take responsibility for many of the events in my life, because I do. But this last year really makes me wonder how much of it is planned and how much is coincidence. That said, I offer the following quote to sum up my outlook on the passing of this year and the promise of a new one …
There are stories of coincidence and chance and intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows. And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on. And… it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "we may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us.
– Magnolia (1999)
Some things are starting to clear themselves out. It's so confusing, though …
I wasn't fired. I had a meeting with Dr. Radcliff today about my job and the whole situation. When I told him that I might still resign, he was visibly not happy. He told me that he didn't think that I wanted to do that because I love doing it so much. He was right. As I told both him and Mrs. Parker, I'm just trying to get as far away from a bad situation as I can, and this may be one of the ways to do that. Both of them told me to give it at least the weekend to think about it. I said I would …
As far as the play is concerned, that basically rests with her. And even if I'm allowed to stay, I still may not. I honestly don't think that I would be any good to anybody there if I did …
How could I have been so cold and heartless? Especially to someone I care about? I don't understand it. And it makes me really sad every time I think about it. I can't even fathom how I could've be so horrible. But I was. That's gonna plague me for quite some time, I think. I just can't believe it …
Changing lanes, I think Sharon has all but lost interest in me. We didn't really talk today with the exception of after jazz. I told her that I was really sorry for freaking out and being an a**hole yesterday. She said it was okay, but she didn't really seem to care. She seemed more upset than anything else. I know that she likes a couple other guys (I won't mention their names now) but I think that as if that weren't enough, she's probably heard of what's going on and if she weren't already bored with me, then she's scared of me. Oh well. People will think what they want. They hear what they want to hear and believe what they want to believe. That's the way it's always been and there's no doubt in my mind that it will stay that way. Just a crush.…
It's incredibly strange how you can be so "up" one week and so "down" the next (simply put). How your life can change in the blink of an eye (or the stroke of a pen). I wish I didn't take so many things for granted …
I've taken this past weekend to reflect and regroup. Things are going to get very stressful in the next few weeks, and I need to be focused and calm.
I feel much more prepared now, and I'm going to face things with a new, open view.
Can't wait to see what's thrown at me …
Well, this is Summer.
While I remain very busy with my job and quasi-job, I find myself with way too much time on my hands. Although I've never considered myself a popular person by any means, I thought that things would be a little bit better. What that means, I don't exactly know.
I do a lot of thinking. Sometimes it's just random, useless things — things that, if I were gone, would not matter: getting a credit card, my stupid webpage, etc. etc. But I can't stop myself from thinking about them. By far, the thing I think about most is relationships. Past, Present, Future. I find myself constantly switching between Love or Sex — which is more important or which should be focused on. And the funny thing about that is I KNOW which one is right, I fucking Know! It's not a hard decision. I think that my hormones are just finally taking as much precedence as they think they should at this stage in my life. But I'm not going to give them that control unless I want them to. It's a struggle.
And then there's Jamie. I realize that I don't need her. But I still want her so bad. (That's not meant to sound anywhere near as physical as it does.) Every time I think about her, I don't necessarily feel sad, she just evokes this want in me. And to be perfectly honest, that's why I haven't pursued another relationship. I still know what I want, and I don't want anything else. I could have probably gone for something great with Jill, something I've wanted since I met her. And I've ignored her. I haven't even called her! God, I'm such an ass! I usually pride myself in how nice I am in this respect. But with Jill, I just haven't cared. And I know why. There's no reason for me to deny it to myself or anybody else, but it's because of Jamie. No other reason. Sure, maybe I'm a little bit scared of being in another relationship, but that's never stopped me before. Jamie. I have to resolve this somehow. But how is the question …
Today, I took the day off and thought a lot about yesterday and about my past in general. I decided that I am no longer going to let my past hurt me or harm me anymore, especially since Jamie and I are so great together, and I don't want to mess that up.
I talked to Jamie tonight about it, and she said that my decision was very mature. I'm just tired of feeling bad about things I can't change. So I'm not going to anymore. That's it.
Other than that, things went well today. I just needed some time to clear my head …